Saturday, November 24, 2012

400 Calorie Breakfasts

"10 morning meals that will keep you full 'til lunch"

Best line of false advertising I have ever been fooled by!!

As a teacher, and a mommy to a little one, I get up early. Therefore I eat early. By lunch, 11:00, I'm usually ready to gnaw my own arm off. So I thought I would give this article a try.

I needed something quick and easy, and something that sounded tasty so that removed about 9 out of the 10. But since I love peanut butter and green bananas (but not together), I tried that one. I branched out and actually put the banana ON the peanut butter slathered english muffin. For the first time trying it, it wasn't bad. I didn't do the blueberries because I don't like blueberries.

So far, success. I felt full. 7:00 rolls around, doing good. 8:00, still doing ok but starting to envision buffalo wings. 9:00, getting hungry....oh no. 9:30, it's official...I'm hungry. 10:00, don't get near me, i'm starving and cranky. By 10:15, I was about to go into full zombie mode, tearing apart my students and screaming "BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!!!!"

As a science teacher, I think this would have been acceptable.

Regardless, I was hungrier than I've ever been in my life and I was so weak with hunger that I could barely open my mouth to talk. I was dragging my arms on the ground, moaning incomprehensible vocabulary words, and drooling onto the heads of my kids.

When 11:00 rolled around, I got this massive burst of energy, pushed all my kids out of the way, sprinted to the lunch room, jumped the counter to the lunch lady side and chowed down.

Ok, that part isn't true.

"10 morning meals that will keep you full 'til lunch"?? Total crap.

Lie. All lies.

Best Burger Recipe Ever with Secret Sauce

The title says it all right?!?! Who WOULDN'T want to try this? Not me! So of course we tried this recipe, which was going to be so good, so different, so amazing, so delicious and you will not believe me when I tell you what they tasted like......

Are you ready?......

They tasted like......

A hamburger.

Mine looked exactly like theirs so I didn't take a picture.
Bah Humburger.

Cinnamon Sugar Pizza

As you may or may not know, cinnamon sugar is my favorite thing on the face of the Earth. I also love crescent rolls, and of course I love powdered sugar. So basically my diet consists of carbs and sugar. Totally healthy.

I knew that even if I messed this recipe up (which was slim), I would still love it. And guess what I did. I messed up. Are you shocked?

It started simple enough. With my experience with the these, I didn't pile on the butter mixture on top but I put enough to make magic. The directions say to let them cook 8-10 minutes and make the glaze in the meantime. Well when you have a 1 year old, there is nowhere to run, hide, rest, or do anything you need/want. During these 8-10 minutes, my wonderful child required my full attention and when he didn't get it, he threw a god awful flailing tantrum so I got a little side tracked. And guess who forgot about the crescent rolls? Yep.

Oh well. They were a wee bit crispy. No big deal. On to the glaze!!! I butchered this when I tried it with the crescent roll ups but second time is a charm. In fact, that's a lie. The fourth time is a charm.

I kept remembering flour from the recipe. Flour flour flour. So as I was making the glaze, I softened my butter and added the flour. I stirred and stirred and kept thinking "Geeeeeeeeeez, this is so dang thick!!! LOOSEN UP!!!". I stirred and stirred and stirred.......and gave up. I was going to start again with melted butter. So I put the flour and butter together and stirred and stirred and stirred............and guess what? I was supposed to be mixing butter and powdered sugar together. I started the glaze a third time and was so miffed with myself that I made it, it looked nice and thick and I was so ready to plop it on the burnt crescent rolls that I forgot the vanilla and milk.

So I had burnt crescent rolls, foiled and unfinished glaze and a hungry husband. I am such a winner wife.

They were still delicious though!!! I totally finished them off.

Worth a try!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Southern Pimento Cheese

Let me start off by saying that I could eat cheese by the pound. There is always cheese at our house. I love cheese. Husband loves cheese. Baby swings his hands in the air, squeals like a Bieber crazed fan and opens his mouth huge when I say "want some cheese?" so of COURSE this recipe would be on my to do list!!

I give it a 10 out of 10. My only gripe is that the recipe doesn't suggest letting the cream cheese sit out for a while so it's not so hard. I was flinging sweat all over the kitchen trying to stir all of this together. My pits were dripping, my hair was wet and I was panting by the time I was done.

I made it yesterday and about half of it's gone. SO good!!! We ate it with regular saltines but I'm sure this stuff would be the bomb even on a cracker made of dried up baby boogers. (ew, I just grossed myself out there)


Sunday, November 11, 2012

Pistachio Salmon w/ Parmesan Squash

I am stepping outside of the Pinterest box and sharing a recipe that was not from the world of Pinterest! Such blasphemy! But this was so incredibly delicious I had to share.

Husband found this recipe in one of the inserts of the paper and said I should give it a try. I hadn't had pistachios in years and I highly doubted that pistachios and salmon went well together but as usual, I was wrong.

How long did it take for me to open all the shells to get the pistachios out? I don't know but I had grey hair when I was done. Strike 1.

I have since thrown away the recipe somehow so it goes something like this.

Chop up pistachios. Smash the pistachios on top of the salmon and put a dollop of butter on top. Cut the squash into cubes and top with salt, pepper and parmesan cheese. Bake at I don't remember, how does 325 sound? And cook for I don't know how many minutes, 20-30 sounds good. The end.

There were lots of pistachios left so I decided to plop down and eat the pistachios like they were popcorn and I had the worst tummy ache the rest of the night and into the next day. Strike 2.

Cranberry Breakfast Cookie

It's official folks!!! I am NO LONGER trying any Pinterest oatmeal recipes!! I get way too excited and end up moping around for the rest of the week because the recipe didn't turn out like I had hoped.

The failures have been so nasty, like this one, or this gem, that I'm done. And there is the treat I have for you tonight, total fail.

I've had one winner, and it was the winner of a lifetime, and I will feel lucky that the oatmeal deities showered me with this gift.

Tonight's loser made me think that I might have a turnaround. Even though this recipe contains my arch nemesis- bananas, I thought I could handle it. The ingredients took 30 seconds to mix and about 2 minutes to plop on the pan. The pan that I forgot to spray.


They smelled really good while they were cooking and as I'm sure you can guess, when they were done, I had to rip them apart to get them off the foil. Time moved in slow motion as I moved this delicacy to my mouth.....took a bite.....tasted a craisin (mmmmmmmmmmm) and then I tasted everything else and my whole body just sagged with depression. Not that great. The ONLY thing that saved these "cookies" from being on my s-list is the craisins. Those were pretty tasty.

Husband's response was "Eh." so that's when I know it's a failure. So I'll probably pout until Wednesday when I try a new recipe.

There is no link, just a picture that fakes you out.

Fall Dip

This was an interesting creation. Before I opened up the cool whip, I told myself I should have just stuck it in the freezer and then devoured it like ice cream and made this recipe later. But then I looked at my butt and realized that small portions here and there would be a better option.

This recipe didn't come with portions so I had to fly by the seat of my pants and PRAY this would be something edible. And by edible I guess I meant that it would end up all over my face, arms, lap and on various walls throughout the house but I will get to that later.

I bought the big container of cool whip, added one serving cup of vanilla jello, forgot to add cinnamon (of course) and a whole can of pumpkin. By this point, it was bursting out the top of my bowl because I severely miscalculated a good mixing bowl size. I would have put the dip in a pumpkin like the picture but the only pumpkin I had laying around was old and decrepit so that wasn't going to happen.

After tasting it, I wished I had not added all the pumpkin but it was still ok. I tried it with a Nilla Wafer and it was on. Delicious!!! It was SO on that I convinced Husband to come in the kitchen and try one and that is where things went down hill.

As a busy married couple with a young child, you have to try to find the funny things in life. So when Husband had his wafer topped with dip in his hand, I thought it would be hilarious to knock it out of his hand. Well, I somehow ended up making the dip fly in the air and land on my arm instead, all while he still held the cookie. That was ridiculous and I wasn't having it so I tried, and semi achieved, to smear it on his head and such. He apparently has ninja stealth skills because before I knew it, his hand was in the dip and it was on my face.

Ok, so hahaha, right? Truce? Sure. As I was leaning into the kitchen sink, giggling, and wiping off the dip on my face, here comes the spatula COVERED in dip and it slams into my face and in my hair and then it was ON!!!!

I was chunking it here and there trying to splatter him, all while baby is cracking up in the highchair, Husband is keeled over in laughter (like a little girl) and I am now dripping with dip. I was able to chase him in the bathroom and land a shot but by now there was dip all over my kitchen, on the floor, on the walls, in the bedroom and in the bathroom....nothing was spared.

So was the dip good? Sure. But the memory is the sweetest part.

I even added a few wafer chunks for visual effect. It totally worked.


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Country Club Chicken

I could type a novel over here about my experience with this recipe but let me sum it up then try to explain a bit...

It took so long that by the time I was done, I was so pissed off and tired that I didn't even have the energy to eat it so I went to bed without dinner. Well, I had some rolls.

My first problem is that I read the directions ONE time, paraphrased them in my head, somehow switched the order of them and just flat out screwed up.

I saw that I needed spaghetti noodles so what was the first thing I did? Put the stupid noodles on. After mincing my garlic and apple, I was slicing whole mushrooms when my idiot light bulb went off and I chastised myself for not buying mushrooms that were already sliced. I was irritated by this fact and the fact that baby was clinging all over my legs, tripping himself and whining nonstop.

After cooking the onion/apple/mushroom mix, I added the wine and soup. This smelled like some cheap, dollar store cherry candy and I was really turned off but hoped the cheese would help. I bought fancy NY sharp cheddar but once I added that, the smell graduated to smelling like a truly dirty dog fart and I just about threw up in my mouth and sent the husband to taco bell.

At this point, I decided to look at the directions again and realized I didn't sprinkle the chicken with salt and pepper OR brown it in the skillet that was now filled with a soupy soup. This REALLY irritated me so I had to scoop that soup out and fix up my stupid chicken so I could freaking brown it. I put the chicken in the casserole dish and poured the stinky junk on top. I also decided to pop my rolls in too because the chicken was supposed to take 25-30 minutes.

I was pushing 35-40 minutes by this point. Who knows how. In the mean time, I relaxed a bit, picked up a bit and when the time was up, I checked the chicken. Totally raw. My irritation level was EXTREMELY high by this point. I realized I started my noodles at the wrong time so they would probably be ruined by the end and my rolls were now done. I guess I bought the most obese chicken on the market.

So we just had to wait for the chicken to cook. During our wait, I bathed a child, went ahead and ate my rolls, rescued a stray cat with a ladder, we lost a fossil fuel, and my cheeks were sunken in from starvation. But was the chicken done an HOUR later? No. By now I was really really really really really really irritated. I was at the 2 hour mark from when I started this STUPID recipe.

I was tired, cranky, irritated, hungry and then I looked at my noodles and most of them were nice and crisp. Nothing like air drying noodles for an hour and a half.

So when the chicken was finally done, husband ate it and I just left the kitchen. He said it was good but I was too mad at this recipe to even take a picture. So I really have no useful review for you.