Saturday, September 29, 2012

Double Dark Chocolate Shortbread Cookies

I decided to hop onto and look up synonyms for "disgusting".

-filled with loathing
-make one sick

and my favorite...

- offend morals of.

These cookies offended me and my taste buds. You throw words like "double", "chocolate" and "cookies" together in one title and the unsuspecting consumer expects great things to happen in their mouth.

I don't even think my poop eating German Shepherd would eat these.

SOME of it might be my fault but not enough to "offend my morals". The recipe calls for dark cocoa powder and dark chocolate chips. Well, the store didn't have dark chocolate chips so I used semi-sweet and the only cocoa powder I had was probably regular old Hershey's cocoa? It's kind of been sitting in there for God knows how many years (yes, I just said years) so it might even be a knockoff brand. I didn't think this would be enough to ruin my day though. But these cookies ruined my day.

I followed the recipe and once I formed the dough into a "log", I have to admit that Husband and mine's (is that proper English??) maturity went out the window for a few minutes. Sometimes adults just need a good giggle and we sure did get one.

After we grew back up, we had to wait an hour for the dough to harden enough to slice into cookies. I'm just about speechless on this one. These cookies were so nasty. I would only recommend these for those people you secretly hate but have to be nice to for whatever reason.

If you are feeling evil...

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Creamy Crockpot Chicken and Brocolli

Another crockpot recipe for your viewing pleasure. This recipe can be described in a few words.

1. Easy
2. Delicious

And by leftovers, I mean that there will probably be mold on them before you get to the bottom of the bowl.

There isn't much to say about this. It's really really good and super duper easy and I 100% recommend it!!


Parmesan Honey Pork Roast

First thing's first. I hate pork roast. I've never liked it.


I like parmesan, honey, soy sauce, and garlic AND Husband loves pork roast so I gave this recipe a shot.

Well, to be correct, I gave it two shots. First try, kind of ruined it. So let me begin.

When you mix everything to pour over the roast, the smell is like unicorns dancing in fields of rainbows and care bears. Top 5 best smells ever. I put the crockpot on low and waited and while I waited, my HOUSE smelled like unicorns dancing in fields of rainbows and care bears. After about 5 hours, it kind of started to smell like someone took a blowtorch to a unicorn. I checked on it only to find that half of my juice was now black from being burned and my roast was as dry and hard as a rock. I know that some ovens cook different but do crockpots cook different?! Didn't matter because it was too late. Not going to quit now.

To thicken the sauce, I had to pour it into a pan and add cornstarch and water. Sadly, my "juice" was like coal. It just kinda plopped into the pan and the cornstarch and water just emphasized how nasty it was. But again, I wasn't going to quit. Yet I could see the disappointment and curiousity in Husband's eyes. I sliced the pork, about broke the knife, and poured my coal on top.

I know I am loved. I know I am loved so much because even though it really did look and smell disgusting, Husband slowly opened his mouth and took a bite. I'm staring at him...

"Is it good honey?"


The end.

Ok, not really because I tried this recipe again and NAILED IT!!! DEEEEEELICIOUS!!! This is a must for your weekly menu. Just keep an eye on the temp as it cooks or you will, and I repeat, you WILL ruin it. And if you have a husband anything like mine, hopefully they will eat it regardless.

And as usual, the original looks 10 times better than mine but I try.


Saturday, September 15, 2012

Confetti Chicken Pasta

So I'm just going to skip all those other recipes I mentioned and skip right to tonights fiasco. Let's get something straight. I love carbs. I LOVE carbs. I would voluntarily live with Lucifer if I could eat carbs the rest of my life and not become morbidly obese. So needless to say, carbs don't scare me and you will NEVER hear me say "I'm on a diet so I tried a yummy new low fat, low carb, low sugar recipe!".

The only time I've gone on a semi diet was when I was pregnant and the doctor told me to eat eat eat and gain weight. So I skipped all the way home and enjoyed everything under the sun but at my next appointment she told me to put the fork down. Oops.

When I pictured myself cooking this dinner, I pictured it like in the movies. I was wearing a nice outfit, my hair was down and curled all pretty, I had a super cute apron on, there was soft jazz music in the background and I was enjoying a red glass of wine while Husband gently swayed to the music with me in between stirrings of the chicken.

In reality, I was in sweatpants that were drenched from baby's bath, a shirt that was covered in baby snot and smelled, hair that was washed two days ago and was ratty, football was blaring in the background, Husband kept stealing the water I was drinking out of a 3 year old mickey mouse glass and baby was slamming the cabinets open and close, bypassing the child safety locks that took hours to put on. Alas, this is my reality.

The recipe called for 16 oz. of penne pasta. I cooked it and drained it but by the time I was ready to use it, it looked like all the noodles had babies because I did NOT remember there being that much pasta!

Anyway, I cooked my chicken first like the recipe said. I was getting irritated at how long it was taking so I cranked it up to super high and shaved some time off which I would regret later. As soon as the chicken was done, I put it in the "big bowl" and there it sat. Next? Add the onions to saute. Little did my onions know that my pan was scorching hot because they almost immediately burned to death. The peppers survived ok and I forgot to thaw the brocolli before dumping it in the pan so I waited and waited and waited for the brocolli to cook. I did bide my time by playing Plague, Inc. and trying to kill all of humanity. Great app by the way.

After the veggies were done, they joined the chicken in the "big bowl" and there they sat. On to the next part. I learned a new word tonight. Roux. I still don't know what it is but I made it. Since my pan was still kinda hot from my impatience, the butter immediately burned on contact and that was a pleasant smell. But the flour and half and half did their job, I guess, and "roux" was made. Here is where things got kinda crappy...

By adding the noodles first, they were supposed to get smothered in this roux, but because I had enough noodles to feed 15 people, each noodle got jipped on the sauce and by the time I added my chicken and veggies, which were cold from just sitting there, there was no sauce to go around. So it was a dry and cold meal. I sure could have warmed it up if I wanted to but then I couldn't gripe.

Did I mention I forgot the asparagus and used ridiculously expired feta cheese?

The meal tasted good anyway. It would be a million times better with less pasta. I recommend it and the good news is even though the recipe says it will feed 4 people, it will actually feed 70.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Keep Bananas From Going Bad

I saw this idea on Pinterest and was THRILLED because I only like bananas when they are still semi green. Once they're yellow, they're done for. And once they're brown...they get tossed into the street, waiting for the next mario cart to appear.

The idea is to separate all the bananas, not to leave them in a bunch, and they will stay fresh longer. I did this. What high expectations I had.

One in the fruit bowl.

One on top of the microwave.

One on top of the fridge.

One IN the fridge.

Anyone walking into my kitchen, seeing randomly placed bananas, would have thought I was ridiculously weird. I thought I was verging on being a hippy myself. But I will try anything for the sake of Pinterest.


Sausage and Cheese Muffins

As I was looking at the ingredients to see if this was a realistic recipe to make (remember now, I'm soooo tired by this point and I now have a walking child who is pulling on my leg the whole time I'm in the kitchen and I can only handle so much tugging and whining), I saw sour cream and didn't even finish reading the rest of the ingredients before adding these to my list. What a perfect weekend breakfast!!

You see, I make a casserole very similar so I thought...

- surely the sour cream will add some kind of fun adventure to my mouth!!
- being in muffin form will make it seem like we are at a luxury hotel with catered breakfast muffins!!

And as usual, none of the above came to fruition. I have an active imagination that disappoints me all the time.

Based on Husband's reaction, you would have thought they were some manna from the heavens of sausage land. I, on the other hand, thought they were ok. But I think I know why I thought they were so so. You see, when I was pregnant, I demanded McDonald's sausage breakfast burritos at LEAST every weekend and since the last part of my pregnancy was in the summer, almost every day just because I could. Plus I made my casserole so much that by the time these muffins came to life, I was over it.

So there are your two opinions to go off of. Choose wisely...


Wow. HOLY hiatus!! I guess that's what happens when you have the summer off, actually have a life, then start back to school.

This might explain my hiatus...
1. Baby got tubes.
2. Baby got his vaccinations the Friday before school started and got sick.
3. Baby got sick but still had his FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY that weekend!!
4. School started...

If you are a teacher, or know a teacher, then you realize that #4 says all that needs to be said about dropping off the face of the internet Earth.

Getting back into the swing of things zapped me!!! I had such high aspirations for my Pinterest food adventures but even though we had such an admirable 5 count dinner menu for the week, it ended up with Husband saying "What's for dinner tonight?" and he got one of two responses...

1. Whatever YOU'RE making <---------- nothing.
2. Taco Bell.

The process has been slow but I was able to knock off 7 recipes over the weeks.

1. Sausage, Egg, and Cheese muffins
2. Parmesan Honey Pork Roast
3. Creamy Crockpot Chicken and Brocolli
4. Best Burger Recipe You'll Ever Eat
5. Crockpot Hawaiin Barbecue Chicken
6. Mom's Cheesy Potatoes
7. Hawaiin Sweet Roll Ham Sandwiches

The real question is how many was I able to knock off SUCCESSFULLY!?