Saturday, April 6, 2013

Gluten Free Vanilla Cinnamon Muffins

Prepare yourself for a story...

First off, I don't do gluten free. Ever. I eat what I want. And when that starts showing, I guess I will be going gluten free. Anyway, what sold me was the "vanilla cinnamon muffin" part.

I was planning on cooking this last weekend for breakfast but Ma was in town and said the magic word. "Donuts?". YES PLEASE!!

So now it's this weekend. I figured one of these mornings would be good to make my muffins.

At 6:00 this morning, I hear baby crying and gagging. I go in and get knocked down by this overwhelming stench of poo. He's still on his stomach, just squirming, coughing and gagging with his hand in the air. I grab his hand and feel this warm, mushy stuff. Yep. Poop. I suppose he was hungry already because it was in AND around his mouth. I'm assuming this started the gagging and coughing.

So I yell in the monitor that I need serious help. So Husband comes in, armed with an arsenal of wipes and wipes down poor baby. It's bath time, even though it's 6 in the morning. He's so mad (and his breath is just flat out gross) that he won't get in. He is trying to crawl out. I sacrifice myself and say "Want mommy to get in with you?" and I do.

Bath time goes great. Get all the poo off, wash him, he smells like roses so we get out. I put his diaper on and let him run around half naked and not even 5 minutes later I smell it again. He's pooped again and it was enough for 3 people.

Ok, so I get him changed again and decide to put clothes on him. I get him a dry bowl of lucky charms, sit down in the chair, get him on my lap and he starts throwing a massive fit and kicks the bowl of lucky charms into the air. Not long after, he ran up on me and bit my foot.

Great. I'm thinking that when I pick up the mess and get him calm, I will make my muffins. But calm never came so I just threw in some cinnamon rolls. While they were cooking, I made him eggs. When the cinnamon rolls were done, I put his eggs and a cinnamon roll on a plate and he sat at his table and ate like a big boy.

Now it was my turn to eat. It had been a long morning already and it was only 7. Right after I sit down and dig in, he gets out of his chair, comes over to me and once again, I smell it. Rancid. So I sit down my cinnamon rolls on the end table and go get a diaper. I lay him down on the ottoman and this time, he has overflowed his diaper. He was starting to squirm while I was taking it off and reaching down to grab a handful. In a panic, I put the diaper on the end table. Guess what spilled out of the diaper onto my cinnamon rolls? Yep, you guessed it. Poop.

My breakfast was ruined. But the good news is that baby seemed happier. I guess my only option now is to make the muffins.

So NOW shall I get to how the muffins went down?

When buying ingredients, I just looked at what was needed, not the portions I would be using. As I gathered everything and started on the directions, I got baffled right off the bat. I was supposed to whip the egg whites and honey until they formed "stiff peaks". I got my mini whisk out and whipped and whipped and there were no peaks. Later in the directions, it says "mixer" so I went ahead and threw them in my mixer and turned it on 6. It was going and going and going and going and going and no peaks ever formed. So as of right now, I still have no idea how to get "peaks" with egg whites.

In the mean time, I started to mix together the other ingredients. This is where the portions concerned me. 2 egg yolks, 2 tbsp coconut oil (which is like lard by the way), 1 tsp vanilla, 1 tsp cinnamon and only 2 tbsp of flour.

Surely that can't be right. That's only a few teaspoons and tablespoons for an entire recipe. The recipe said up top that it serves 3.

But I keep going. My mixer has been going this whole time but all there are is bubbles. I add the second mixture and let it mix. While it's mixing, I read the rest of the directions.

#7- fill 3 cupcake liners to the top.

Just three? WHAT IS GOING ON!!! I notice in my mixer that there really isn't much mix at all and that this lady is serious about only using 3 muffin liners. But I do it. And sure enough, there's only enough batter for 3 muffins.

So yeah, this recipe does serve 3 people. It serves 3 people ONE    MUFFIN    EACH! What the...

In the end, they looked like crap, they tasted WORSE than crap, they had the consistency of meatloaf, and I'm still hungry.

More like decency free...

1 comment:

  1. I think adding the honey might have been the problem. Getting egg whites to stiff peaks with a mixer (especially a stand mixer) isn't terrible, it just takes a long time. But if you have the slightest bit of moisture then FORGET it.
    Honestly, I avoid anything with "paleo" and "eating raw" in the description. I like baking, people!